Noah...yawn.

SPOILERS

Ok, now I have no idea what made me want to watch this movie. It's not my usual cup of tea. I guess it was kind of sentimental because I used to collect Noah's Ark stuff when I was a kid. Anyway, I just finished watching this movie, and I have to tell you, I wish I hadn't. The acting wasn't bad, it had a good cast, and it didn't overdue it with the special effects, but it was dull.
Apparently, according to this movie,  after man fell from the Garden, he sentenced them to toil in the fields like the original story said. But, in this version,the fallen angels are fallen because they tried to HELP mankind. Not biblically accurate. So, God (who is never actually called God in this movie) turned them from light into some kind of ugly rock spiders. So God's a prick in this movie. But then, man's an ass anyway, because apparently after these angels taught man everything they knew, he tried to kill them all. And Methusala, decked out in some armor that looks like something from the last samurai, and carrying a fiery sword, protected the rock angels from MAN.

Aren't you an angel, then?

He's about as old as Methuselah...

So, flash forward to the future, and we see a young Noah, being given his birthright by his father. Apparently, his birthright is symbolized by a magical golden snakeskin that came off of the snake in the Garden when it turned evil. As we watch, a man who at first I thought was Cain, but turned out to be one of his descendants instead, comes up and kills Noah's dad, takes the land and the magic snakeskin as Noah runs for the hills. 

Time passes, Noah grows up, and has three sons of his own. Shem, Ham, and Japeth. It doesn't explain where Noah's wife came from. But I guess the other women come from Seth and Cain. Nasty, I know. So, they're out scavenging for food, when Noah sees some kind of injured, scaly hyena thing-really, it looks like a cross between an armadillo and a dog-running and goes to see who's hunting it. Because apparently, eating meat is wrong in Noah's mind. It seems to be depicted as part of why men are wicked. Which, I guess is kinda accurate to the Bible since nothing ate meat in Eden. And so, Noah kills the guys for killing a helpless animal.

 I think PETA has stock in this movie. The whole reason that Noah saved the animals is because they are 'innocent' and men are evil. And when his son Ham asks why are they innocent, the little girl  named Ila who they find in an abandoned mine on their way to a new home, answers because they still live as they did in the Garden. Yeah, um except that animals ate MEAT back then where as they didn't in Eden. Yeah there's a big flaw in this movie. PETA must have funded at least part of this crap.

Well, Noah has a dream of the world's impending demise at the hands of a vengeful 'creator', and goes to see his grandfather, Methuselah. He is captured by the rock angels, who, except for one, don't believe him that he heard from the 'creator'. However, the angel that decided to believe and help Noah, let him escape and then took him to see Methuselah. Noah takes Shem up to meet his great-grandfather and Methuselah knocks out Shem to talk business with daddy. Apparently, Methuselah can put you to sleep with his hands, and he gives Noah a hallucinogen in his tea without telling him. While under, Noah has the revelation that the world will be destroyed by a flood so the creator can start it over again, and that he must build an ark to save his family and the 'innocents' which, in this movie, means the animals. But, before he does, he plants a seed Methuselah gives him that came from Eden. 

World blown to Hell with geysers.

The other angels try to kill the angel that helped Noah, but then the Eden seed he planted after he told his family about the ark suddenly sprang up an entire forest of trees. so the angels are like, kick-ass! WE can finally go back to heaven and leave this shit-hole behind, so then they're like we'll help you, Noah.

So, after some confusing fast-forward motion, and watching two doves fly, we are brought to the ark! Which is half built (Thank God in this version, the angles help Noah build.) 

So Ila, the girl they found in the mine, and Shem are getting it on (cuz they're all grown up now) and Ham is watching. so, apparently, he IS a pervert. But then Shem starts kissing her belly, which makes her uncomfortable because it reminds her that she will never have kids because of a wound received to her belly when her family was attacked in those mines.

One thing this movie DOES explain is how he kept control of those animals! Apparently, he drugged them with some kind of opium smoke or something. That's convenient.
So then, his son Ham is like Dad, you have Mom, Shem has Ila, what do I have? And Noah's like, God sent us wood and birds, hasn't he provided everything we need? Apparently not, motherfucker, Ham's horny!

"Dad, how am I gonna f@%k a bird?"

So, just when we think Ham is just gonna shut up and use his hand, he spots some girls in a forest. He's just about to make his move, when his head is almost crushed by some warrior who shows up out of nowhere.Ham is saved by Tubal-Caine, who apparently shows up just to pit Ham against Noah. Noah reveals to Tubal that this ark is for him and his family to avoid the creator's wrath, and Tubal is like,"Well Hell, man, let us on". And Noah says "Hell nah, Bro, this ark ain't for your kind." So Tubal's like, "Ok, if you refuse us now, I'll come back later with legions of men and FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!".  And Noah replies, "Bring it on, bitch."

"Oh, you just wait, motherfucker!"

Two of every kind...

Wait for usssssssss.....

So, later after they have decided what the 'creator' wants Noah to do, and they're building the ark, Methulsala heals Ila so she can have kids, and her and Shem do it not far from where 'grandfather' is, and where he will happily die after eating one berry later. (Why isn't 'grandfather' on the ark?) Anyway, now one brother has a wife that can make kids, which is fortunate because although Ham goes to the city to get a wife, because Noah went to get one for each of his sons and decided not to because people were evil and mankind needed to perish, she gets caught in a bear trap and left by Noah to be trampled to death by the invading army of Tubal-Cain. 

"No wait! I swear I'll be good!"

The angels and Noah fend off the men killing thousands of them and the angels explode as the men stab them in the hearts. But it's ok, because the angels go back to heaven! And it's a pretty good battle scene, I guess that's really about the best you can do in Noah's ark. But, sorry if I'm wrong, but it's not going to be one of the best movies ever, for the simple fact that the 'enemy' is not so hate-able. I mean, come on, it's kind of hard to hate desperate, starving people who just want to live and who are struggling because they were cursed for eating a piece of fruit. And now they are not obeying the 'creators' commands. Oh, no! And, other than rape, which they still shouldn't ALL be slaughtered for, what are they doing that's so wicked? Eating animals? Exploiting the land for profit so they can make food? God, someone from PETA loves this movie! 

Going out with a bang!

Damn humans!!

Finally, the ark takes off and we get to hear the people outside screaming in fear and desperation as Ila and Shem beg Noah to consider letting them in, to which Noah replies, there's no room in here for THEM. But it's ok, because Noah tells us the story of the creation, and how man fell from grace and we learn that all the people DO deserve to die horribly. Which, by the way, when Noah says that God said "Let there be light", and the universe burst forth, it kind of made it look like the big bang. Which reminded me of what that boy in God's Not Dead said, that the big bang correlated with God saying "Let there be light". Meanwhile, Noah is sticking by his decision that mankind needs to die out for the world to be beautiful. Again, this sounds like something one of those vegan, tofu-eaters would say. And I guess they're not totally wrong. Meanwhile, Ham, who now hates his father, rightfully so, in my opinion, is secretly taking care of Tubal-Cain, who managed to sneak aboard the ark during the battle and is now living in the snake pit-HA! Which, by the way, if God chose to save the serpents that tempted man to evil in the first place, why would he choose to let men die out after the flood? Noah is retarded in this version. Ham plots with Tubal-Cain to get revenge on his father for the death of Na-el. 

Worst vacation, ever.

(By the way, and I know this has nothing to do with the topic, but if they ever redo Frank Herbert's Dune, the boy who plays Ham would be a good candidate for Feyd Harkonnen. Maybe after a few years and a few more rounds at the gym. Just saying.)  So, while Tubal is teaching Ham to eat  the sleeping animals, Her... I mean, Ila, is waking up sick, so she goes to Noah's wife who gives her some kind of magical tea with sparkling leaves. And it turns out she's not sick, grandfather got her pregnant! I mean, he made her pregnant...I mean, he made her capable to get pregnant. Anyway, now we gotta break it to Noah that his plans for the end of man are no longer coming to fruition. Needless to say, Noah is pissed. No! You've undermined God! I guess grandfather was wicked. Noah asks God what to do, and decides if it's a boy, it'll live because it'll replace his youngest son as the last man on earth, but if it's a girl, she has to die so she'll never be a mother. In desperation to save her potential daughter from a psycho Noah, Ila decides they will leave the ark, even though the bird hasn't found any land, but Noah burns their ship. 

Ila goes into labor, and Noah is planning on killing the kids as soon as they pop out, but then Ham lures our 'hero' down to the hold by saying animals have woken up and are attacking each other. When he gets down there, Noah is attacked by Tubal, who he realizes is the seed of Cain-uh, duh. Probably why he's called Tubal-Cain! Meanwhile, Ila gives birth to her child. But, lo and behold there are two! And guess what? They're both girls! Of course! Shem realizes his kids are fucked and goes down to kill his father, which Tubal wont allow, but just as Tubal is about to kill Noah, they crash into land and Ham pusses out and kills Tubal, who gives him the magic snakeskin he stole from Noah's father in the beginning of the movie. .


Finally, free of anyone who can stop him, because apparently, Shem is a pussy who gets knocked down by Tubal and then can't get back up for 30 minutes, Noah tries, but cannot kill, Ila's children (which he feels immensely guilty about later because he "failed" the creator)  and then we are on land and Noah is getting wasted. Ham looks at his drunk. naked daddy and throws him the magic snakeskin.

"Oh come on, Noah! Maybe, you're SUPPOSED to have mercy on babies!"

After a heartfelt speech from Herm-I mean, Ila, Noah goes back to his family and his wife that never ages. Ham leaves and Noah passes down the magical snake skin to his granddaughters. I guess the golden snake skin represents goodness that the snake shed before it became a black snake and tempted Eve. Anyway, I just described this whole movie to you so you won't have to watch it. Believe me, I've done you a favor. I want a refund-of my time. Not Biblically accurate, so don't watch it for a faith-affirming experience. I, however, didn't like it because it was mostly really dull. I sincerely hope it wasn't Micheal Bay's intention to draw people to the Bible by making this movie, because it actually makes God look really, really bad. just seeing a relatively realistic depiction of Noah kinda makes me go 'hey, wait a minute' you know what I mean? And as for starting paradise over after the flood, yeah...that didn't really work out. Definately thumbs down. The Passion of the Christ was better.

This reminds me of two things.

                                                             If you insist...

                                                           


For some actual Christian entertainment....